My Blog Can Kick Your Blog's Ass

In celebration of my newfound obsession with weekends and thus highlighting my newfound disgust for Mondays, I thought I'd KICK things up a notch with a brand spankin' new section for my blog entitled

MY BLOG CAN KICK YOUR BLOG'S ASS

The idea for this blog came from SFist, my day-to-day, hour-by-hour blog check of what's going on in this great city of mine. Back in the day, SFist had a editor of sort, Jackson not-sure-of-his-exact-title-or-role West. By back-in-the-day, I mean March-ish 2006, so like four months ago. Anyway, I sent Mr. West a few obnoxious e-mails roughly along the lines of:

"Good Afternoon Jackson, Here is my blog. Please link to it. Thank you." and "Dear Jackson, Just following up to see why you haven't linked my blog. Any reason? Let me know, Thanks!" and "Okay, I'm standing outside your window in the pouring rain on a payphone. I have a rusty knife in my pocket and a book of haikus I wrote about you not linking my blog on SFist. Perhaps we could talk."

Well, then I was linked.
And then again.
And again. But the thing is, I wanted a sidebar link, not a Blog Round Up link. (Although, I'm certainly not complaining, if anything using this as a forum to brag about the Blog Round Up link) But my INTENTIONS were...I digress.

Long story short: Jackson did link me on the sidebar of his blog, SFist never did, and I get a few shout outs in Blog Round Up or Blog Pulse.

So the point of this little story is pretty much, SFist never linked me on their sidebar and yet PLENTY of MUCH WORSER blogs are listed, alphabetically, taunting me every time I visit the site (fifteen times a day).

So Happy Monday everyone and welcome to my first installment of My Blog Can (and will) Kick Your Blog's Ass. Today we will be focusing on blogs on SFist's sidebar. Hrmph!

Blog #1: Chris "Mardi Gras Beads are Cool" Daly's Supervisor "Blog"

Oh, Chris Daly thinks he's so boss, with his "damn the man" mentality and his bicycle coalition shirt. He's totally that guy from high school who was really smart in civics class and you were like, "maybe I should hook up with him, he might be president someday," but then you were like, "no way, this guys a total douche, even if i do believe in his political standpoint against the national anthem". I contend that Chris Daly has not touched a boob since 1994. I wouldn't even call his blog a blog. It's more like a mildly snarky report on his rebellious behavior during supervisor meetings. I'd suggest he beef up the snark and lose the glamour-shots of Alioto-Pier. Barf.

Blog #2: On the Record: Technology, Civil Liberties and the Press

Hello!? Last post on March 16th. That was four whole months ago! My blog beats this blog up big time. Here's a shot for April POW! May, POW-POW! June UPPER CUT, CROTCH SHOT and July (Have you seen that scene in American History X where Edward Norton puts that guy's jaw against the curb and then kicks his skull in?) Nuff said.

Blog #3 Overheard Lines

Okay, let me just point out that I liked this blog the first time, when it was called Overheard in New York. And while, in theory, Overheard Lines (san francisco) is great, my blog kicks it's ass for two reasons. First off, 95% of everything "heard" on "Tim's" blog is overheard by Tim which means that either, Tim hears All or Tim's an avid convo-stalker. Tim is the reason people should not talk on cellphones on Muni or fight with their boyfriends at Chow. Tim will rat you out.

Now the second reason that my blog kicks Tim's blog's ass is because I hear way funnier shit and half of it comes from my own mouth. I challenge Tim to convo-stalk me for a week to rev up his website. Here's a list of things that I've said or someone practically my BFF has said in the past week:
1) Omar Vizquel has a crotch like a Ken Doll.

2) If I lived in Santa Cruz, I'd still be dating guys.

3) Let's move to Milpitas and raise our families here. Do you think that Milpitas High School's mascot is the millipede?

4a) It's so damn hot out! Wouldn't it be nasty if we went to a strip club right now and some sweaty stripper rubbed her body all over us, clogging our pores with her cheap, stripper perfume?
4b) (man #1) No, that sounds awesome!
4c) (man #2) Yeah, let's go. I love the smell of stripper perfume.

5) Looking good Barry! (clap, clap) Looking strong! Lookin' fit, real fit! Been running!...(pause) from the law!

Blog #4 Cal Patriot Blog, UC Berkeley College Republicans

Let me put it this way, any 19 year-old college student, who's parents are most likely footing the bill for his/her development of rampant fascism, should not get to start out any essay/paper/blog entry with, "as a fiscal conservative".

I'm all for freedom of expression but that statement makes me want to forkstab a motherfucker or (see above for American History X description) It really chaps my hide that the Patriot is linked and not Baseball and Brioche. My blog can beat up the CP blog because I have the real slim shady's on my side. Imagine:
1) Barry Bonds vs. George Bush in a thumb war (Bonds wins)
2) Lou Seal vs. Condoleeza Rice in a hoola hoop contest (Conde loses, barely)
3) Arnold vs. Omar Vizquel in a Dance Dance Revolution-off (Not even close, Omar is still on the machine)
4) Meg's Female Friends vs. Cal Patriot Staff in a knife fight....

Okay I have to stop now, I've stopped making sense.

You get my point. My blog rules, your blog drools. Now go find me a bookdeal so I can quit my job and become the nudist my inner voice tells me I already am.