Crack Stories, Part I

Crack stories, here every Tuesday....starting today.

Scene I: The Tenderloin, O’Farrell and Larkin, 1:00pm, Sunny Outside

Marcos: Hi Meg
Meg: Hi, look I got you a present (hands Marcos box of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies)
Marcos: Thanks, these are my favorites. Let’s leave them in the car.
Meg: No, I prefer to carry them with me and make others jealous.
Marcos: Okay, that makes sense, let’s get lunch.

Scene II: The Tenderloin, O’Farrell and Larkin, 2:00pm, Sunny Outside, Meg and Marcos have been joined by BP

Meg: Mmm, that lunch was good. They have good Pad Thai
Marcos: Yes, that lunch was good.
BP: Now we shall go to Costco.

(approaching Meg’s car, parked on the busiest street in the Tenderloin)

Marcos: I don’t remember us leaving the window open?
Meg: We didn’t, oh look, damn, someone’s going through it right now.
BP: Is that a woman?

(arrive at car, woman is asleep in the back seat)

Meg: What the fuck, she’s asleep!
Marcos: knocks on window, Hey!
Lady: Mmmhmmm
BP: What are you doing in this car?
Lady: manphetaking a napmaphamn
Meg: This is my car, you can’t just nap in my car.
Marcos: How did you get into the car.
Lady: marphthrough the door, theremrph was somerpheone else in here too, mrph he said I could take a nap.
BP: What are you crazy? You been smoking crack in this car.
Lady: I just took one hit, mrphright when I first got in, rrrthat’s all.
(lady finally gets out of car)
BP: You do know it’s not alright to go into other people’s cars, smoke crack and take a nap.
Marcos: Yeah that’s fucked up
Lady: nods apologetically
Meg: I don’t smoke crack and I don’t want my car to smell like crack. That’s wrong.
Lady: still nodding and listening apologetically.

Scene III: Driving to Costco

Meg: Wow, it's a really good thing we didn't leave those Girl Scout Cookies in the car.
Marcos: Yeah, 'cause if that crackhead had eaten my cookies, I would've been REALLY pissed and totally gone off on her.
BP: We'd like get to the car and she'd be taking a nap but with chocolate all over her face.
Meg: She was pretty nice considering the circumstances.
BP: Yeah, cracks' better than meth. (Legalization debate ensues)
Meg: (interupts and rolls down window dramatically) This car smells like crack, this is fucking great.
BP: It just smells like crack a little bit
Marcos: It’s not as bad as a crack house
Meg: How do you know what a crack house smells like?

To find out why Marcos knows what a crackhouse smells like, tune in to next week's edition of Crack Stories, here every Tuesday at 11:48.

Everyone has a good crack story. What’s yours?